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last second, just before it hit the floor, I grabbed it and
stuffed it into the pocket of my tuxedo.
The audience was laughing laughing uneasily, I
might add.
Well, now you know I wear a hairpiece, I said.
This was a great-looking hairpiece, and I used to wear
it everywhere I performed. It wasn t one of those bad hair-
pieces where people say, Do you really expect me to be-
lieve that s your hair? It looks like a dead animal fell out
of a tree and landed on your head. Thanks to master
craftsmanship, this hairpiece blended with my normal
hair perfectly.
Since the rug had been literally pulled back, I worked
the situation into the show. An embarrassment of that
magnitude demanded that I get some comedic mileage
I Shouldn t Even Be Doing This! 99
*
out of it. Every time I put my hand in my pocket, I d jerk it
back out and screech, Ay, yi, yi! as if I were being bitten.
The audience loved it. They knew they were witnessing
something that, hopefully for my sake, the next audience
wouldn t see.
"
In the early seventies, I filled in for Johnny Carson as
guest host of The Tonight Show from New York. He was
having contractual problems with NBC which meant
that he wanted more money. NBC s stance was that
Johnny wasn t going to hold them up for any more money
no matter what. (Guess who won?)
This was before The Bob Newhart Show, which is to say
that it was a pretty big opportunity for me. The Tonight
Show had a writing staff that was available to help the
guest host write the nightly monologue. Each night, they
would give me three lousy jokes. Having fulfilled their ob-
ligation, they would return to working on their screen-
plays. With Johnny gone, there wasn t much anyone could
do about it.
It fell to me to write the monologues. Each night after
the show, I would gather all the New York papers and
search for material. Then I would fall asleep skimming
the dossier on the following day s guest. After three weeks,
I felt like a wet and worn-out dishrag. When Johnny left,
he had done it for thirty years.
The one night I thought would go well didn t. My first
guest was Bobby Morse, who had starred in the movie ver-
sion of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.
100 Bob Newhart
*
Bobby was a friend of mine, but the problem turned out to
be that we knew each other s stories. Everything fell flat.
Nothing worked. The poor audience who had gotten their
tickets six months in advance to see Johnny were watching
Bobby Morse and me tank. It was so silent that you could
hear the air conditioner.
Finally the segment ended, and we went to commercial.
I had never been so relieved. I knew the segment bombed,
but at least it was over. Next up was an organ player. Dur-
ing the three-minute commercial break, the stagehands
wheeled out the organ. They plugged in the organ and
smoke began billowing from the top.
Bob, the producer said, do another slug with
Bobby.
And so we did.
When the torture finally ended, Ed McMahon chimed
in, Have you two ever considered writing a book?
"
I used to love to sit home at night and watch Johnny go
down in flames. There was nothing better.
John it s hard to call him Johnny became a good
friend of mine over the years. I hosted the show dozens of
times. For a while, we were neighbors at the beach.
My fondest memories are from the seventies. After do-
ing the show, John, Ed McMahon, Doc Severinsen, me,
and all of our wives would go to a little joint on Sunset
called Sneaky Pete s and unwind. After last call, we would
all come back to my house and laugh it up.
One night when John and I were playing the drums in
my den, Ginnie announced that she needed to go upstairs
I Shouldn t Even Be Doing This! 101
*
and go to bed because she had to wake up early to take the
kids to school.
The following day, John bought an old army cot and
had it delivered to the house. The note read: For Mrs.
Newhart. So she could sleep downstairs.
There was a devilish side to Johnny, but he wasn t cruel.
On the air, he wouldn t put an ingénue starring in the lat-
est romantic comedy on the spot. He would only try to be-
fuddle people he knew could handle it. He knew that I
would go along with him. He trusted me, and he would
never let me look bad.
But he loved to push me to the edge. He loved to toss
out a random question that wasn t in the pre-interview,
such as, Do you ever ski? and I d have to pick it up from
there. First, I d give him a look: you sonofabitch.
Once, when I filled in at the last minute for Dennis
Hopper, Johnny asked me the questions prepared for Den-
nis Hopper. I knew right away where he was going.
Him: What was your favorite experience making a
movie?
Me: I d have to say Easy Rider, at least the part I re-
member of it. I was so bombed during filming that I ve
forgotten a lot of it.
It took the audience a while, but they caught on.
"
I wasn t opposed to returning the favor, and I once did. It
came during the time when Johnny s show aired for an
hour and a half.
During these years, the last guest would be a writer or
author of some kind. I was usually the first guest, so I
102 Bob Newhart
*
would come out and have my exchange with Johnny and
then move down one seat on the couch. After the second [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]